Broken News

Worksop Shooting

Apparently, well known Worksop local hard man Dave ‘Tiger’ Batty (36), was shot at by a nutter on Newgate Street in Worksop. The Police ’swooped’ on the area, but Dave allegedly sustained more injuries from the over enthusiastic Police dog than the twelve bore shotgun used to attack him.

The Worksop Guardian quoted one local as saying “this kind of thing happens in cities like Nottingham or Sheffield, but not here, it’s really scary”.

Bollocks. Worksop is the drug and crime capital of the North Midlands. If it’s going to happen anywhere, it’s going to happen on Newgate Street. From memory this reporter can confidently remember it as being a total shit hole.

UPDATE - Dave’s arm has been torn to bits by the stupid dog. He should call ‘Claims Direct’. Where there’s blame, there’s a claim.

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Brawling in Leeds

Reports are hitting The Bridlington Penguin right now (3pm, May12th 2008) that a number of Bridlington males are brawling with Carlisle fans in Leeds city centre. So far, four have been arrested. Word is the guys were well tanked before they left Brid, but they kicked ass anyway.

Full story when our intrepid reporter hears more.

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Queens Hotel Hard Men

A new machine in the toilets of the Queens Hotel is dispensing Male Angel for £3. Local women say all the men in Brid are now really ‘hard’. It’s not believed they’re referring to their fighting ability (on this occasion). Full Story Below.

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Jon Fat Beast Shits Himself

Local personality, author and Southern Woose admits foul play. Full story soon.

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Teenage Girl Wants To Wed Footballer And Own Stable Shock

Poppy Aldiss (13) spoke exclusively to The Bridlington Penguin from her mum’s bathroom yesterday. All the details exclusively here soon.

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Woman Caught Having Sex behind Sommerfields.

Theresa ‘Twiss’ Aldiss (23) and an unknown man were questioned by Police in the early hours of Saturday morning. Exclusive Pictures online soon.

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Jon Fat Beast

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