Traffic Update
June 12, 2008
If you’re near, er, Junction 31 to 34 be careful of fire. The M6 is under three feet of water and the Cambridge Ring Road can’t hack it.
Just take the train. They’re brilliant. Or buses. They’re brilliant but slower, and always have a feint taint of wee.
All Bookmakers are Cunts
June 12, 2008
A bookmaker once took £6,400 in Monopoly money at even money for Doncaster Rovers to lose their lastr two matches. This was a few years ago when they eventually went out of the league.
The bet won and the bookmaker couldn’t pay out, but in return he gave me a cheque for ten million pounds (true) and a fiver for making him laugh.
Who says all bookmakers are cunts? Not me, I think they’re ace.
More Anagrams
June 6, 2008
- Kenny Dalglish - Dinghy Ankles
- Matt Busby - Batty Bums
- David Coulthard - Da Valid Car Thud
- Heinz Harald Frentzen - He Earns Frazzled Ninth
- Sir Lester Piggott - Glitter Pig Tosser
- The Last Supper - The Slut Papers
- Saturday Night Live - Huge Ratty Invalids
- Gillian Anderson - No Aliens, Darling
- Yogi Bear - Bogey Air
- David Bellamy - Evil Mad Baldy
- Phillip Schofield - Childish Life Plop
- William Shatner - Well, I Am Trash
- Salman Rushdie - Smashed Urinal
- Antonio Banderas - No Brains On A Date
- Julia Roberts - Just A Brolier
- Anna Friel - Finer Anal.
New Random Stuff
June 6, 2008
People often say Get the fuck out of my garden
How do you stop a dog humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his cock
If you can’t laugh at yourself, take the piss out of somebody else.
I only date homeless women. It’s easier to get them to stay the night.
Currently I’m single by choice. Not my choice.
I went to the zoo but they only had a dog.
It was a shit zoo.
Why don’t boxers have sex before a fight?
They probably don’t fancy each other
My eyes always water during sex.
Probably the mace spray.
I’ve just split up with my wife of eleven years.
That’s young.
My new girlfriend sat up in bed last night and called me perverted.
That’s a big word for a girl of nine.
I hated my last job. The supervisor had a sign behind his desk saying “You don’t have to be mad to work here, but it helps”
Mind you, it was written in his own shit.
Going to war over religion is like killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.
I rang up a builders and said I wanted a skip outside my house. He said “I’m not stopping you”. (Tammy, aged 6)
I’ve been down on Bridlington beach burying metal objects with “Get A Life” printed on them.
Bridlington is getting so much more dangerous. Only yesterday I walked into Boot’s and punched someone. (Ben from Bridlington)
Did you know that you’re eight times more likely to be mugged in Glasgow than New York?
That’s because you don’t live in New York. (Maddog, Glasgow)
There are only three different types of people. Those who can count, and those that can’t.
What has four legs and says boo?
A cow with a cold.
What’s got four legs and say ‘aaaaa’?
A sheep with no lips.
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says “Are you sure you know how to drive one of these things?”.
I was stopped in the street by a woman with a clipboard. She asked me if I could spare a few minutes for Cancer Research.
I said “Ok, but we won’t get much done”.
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have enough time.
I like to fuck with Fly’s minds. I hold them above globes and they think “Whoa there, I’ve flown too high”.
My friend spent £50 on a baby alarm. She still got pregnant.
I used to be a man trapped in a womans body. Then I was born.
My Mother used to say “If you haven’t got anything nice to say, then fuck off”.
I was walking down the street when I saw a dead baby ghost in the road. On reflection it could have been a handkerchief.
You can’t have everything. Where would you fucking put it? (Solzernitzin, Russia).
Annie Has Her Say
June 4, 2008
Tell Ya What.
I have had a brill day. Put my poInt across and had so much of a good response. But at the end of the day life is for living!!! To the FULL!!
And ya know what? Jon is mint. Just people don’t always take the time to get to know him.
Good day had by all.
Life is for living!
Annie
xxxx
EDITORS NOTE - WE haven’t got the faintest fucking idea what this is about either.
Penguin Straw Poll
May 22, 2008
In a Penguin straw poll wot I conducted whilst I was drunk in Morrisons we have concluded that 80% of Bridlingtons shoplifters are in favour of letting the Police strike.
Next week I am interviewing Cat Burglars and Car Thieves for their opinion.
LET THE FILTH STRIKE.
In another blind drunk survey I conducted whilst laying in the gutter outside Bridlingtons expensive public toilets, I found that over 24% of children skivving off school say that teachers should be able to strike indefinitely. 76% didn’t know the meaning of indefinintely and 3% weren’t included in the survey.
What is your insanely biased opinion? Click the ‘Have your say’ button below to leave us your views.
Useful tip of the week
May 13, 2008
Cockroaches. To deter cockroaches, sprinkle washing powder in the cracks they appear from.
To piss mice off, sprinkle dried mint or mint sauce around their holes.
Joke of the week
May 13, 2008
A small boy was lost in a large shopping centre.
He approached a uniformed copper and said “Ive lost my Dad”
The policeman asked “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied “Beer and women with big tits”
Thought For The Week
May 13, 2008
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Little Sex
May 10, 2008
Never have sex with a midget with learning difficulties.
It aint big, and it aint clever.
Business Reviews
BUSINESS REVIEW. This Week Bridlington Old Town Pubs.THE QUEENS HOTEL High Street Old Town Bridlington. Reviewed by MAD GAZZA and his OWLS Way ay, I landed a canny job here like. The Bridlington Penguin has asked me,... Read more »
Bridlingtons Cartoon Network
