Easter 2007
March 27, 2008
Well I have just re read the letter I sent you all at christmas. I said it couldn`t get worse. Well it has. Holly has left me. Ben the dog hasn`t. I have moved out. Holly has stayed in the family home in shitty Robin Hoods Bay and as you can see from the postmark on this letter I have moved into a flat in sunny Bridlington, about 40 miles down the coast. I only came to Brid` because nobody else would take a dog. Its so difficult re housing yourself if you have a dog. Landlords hate dogs. You could have leprosy, twelve handicapped children, a drunken tattooed skinhead partner with anger management issues and be unemployable and landlords would still accept you over a tenant with a dog.
Landlords they`re cunts the lot of them. I now live in the basement of a shitty victorian block of flats. The dog barks constantly because the other residents living above us are a bunch of fuckin noisy bastards. There`s a twenty something Chavette living upstairs somewhere who comes in pissed at all hours with her mates and clumps up the stairs singing and shouting. Jesus its so noisy. the dog wakes up, he wakes me up, he wakes the rest of the flat up. I get shit. I give the bloody dog shit. Its the cycle of life.
When we split up in January Holly decided she didn`t want the dog. well he wasn`t hers anyway. He never really got on with Holly. Shes not a dog person. or a people person come to think of it. I cant think what we had in common. I miss her a bit, but not as much as I thought I would. I miss the car more. Yeah, we split the stuff up “fairly”, she got the computer, the car and all of the money and I got the bills and the dog. I am not very good at negotiating you may have gathered.
So its life on my own from now on. We wont be getting back together. not after the things that were said in the last few weeks before we split. some things should definitely be left unsaid. Most of what we said to each other over the last two weeks of our 7 year relationship should have remained unsaid. oh well looking on the bright side of things I can get a Television signal here in Bridlington, but on the minus side, Holly Kept the TV. even though she`s still in Robin Hoods Bay and can`t get a signal. She said it was hers. So were half the bills but she didn`t fuckin` want them.
Anyway. I`m saving up for a TV. any donations welcome obviously.
Write back soon. Not
Ted madges. Billy no mates
Ted says Humbug
December 26, 2006
You can stuff father christmas up your arse.
I dont think I can get through another christmas in Robin Hoods Bay. This place has worn me down. The landlords have so far failed to evict us. worst luck. I still cant find a job I want to do. Holly isn`t talking to me and The dog has the shits. life couldn`t be better.
Thank you all for the cards. Three. And I send this letter to 17 of you. Thats 14 of you that couldn`t be bothered to return a card. Ok so 8 of you sent brief text messages but its not the same. You cant put a text message on the mantelpiece or on the tree. Which incidentally we dont have. Holly didnt want one. It was “A waste of Money”, well so is the dog but we dont drown him.
She is always in a bad mood with me at present. I think we`re drifting apart. we haven`t actually talked about it yet. We keep avoiding the subject. I think I will explode if I have to stay any longer in Fuckin backward Robin Hoods Bay with my wife giving me the evils all the time. The cottage is so small there`s nowhere to hide. I cant get away. I could go and sit on the beach. but its raining. Very bastard festive. Thank you baby Jesus for making my life so shit.
Roll on Easter. It can`t get any worse can it ?
Birthday
October 9, 2006
Well thank you for the hundreds of Birthday cards you sent me. I don`t think. I got two. One from Holly and a home made one from Ben the dog. (although to be honest its not very good, the heart was stuck on badly and the writing was a bit squiggly and child like, but I suppose still not bad for a canine)
The landlords are getting to be a pain in the arse. What with the impending recession very much on the horizon and House prices not going up by 300% every week they are getting itchy feet and have talked about selling. Whoopy Fuckin doo. Looks like we`ll be looking for somewhere else to live soon. Which is no bad thing all things considered. I hate Robin Hoods Bay with a passion only reserved for skinheads and people that watch Hollyoaks.
It`ll cost again. More fuckin money we haven`t got. Holly is getting pissed off with her part time job at the bookshop in Scarborough, mainly because they keep cutting her hours down. Sometimes she has to travel a round trip of 40 miles just to do three hours. Its not on. I`ll have to start stealing books to make up for all the petrol money we are spending. Holly watches me like a hawk when I visit the shop. She knows I`ve threatened to nick a Harry Potter first edition and she keeps hiding it. Its actually just a ruse to put her off the scent, whilst she was hiding the Jk Rowling I put three Arthur C Clarkes in my Tesco Carrier bag. Fuck em. I`m not really into stealing but I don`t like getting shafted either.
Anyway, If you can, dear friends that never write to me. Please send me any spare DVDs you have, my stereo is starting to go on the blink and thats my last contact with planet earth. No tv, and soon no radio. I shall go mad. loudly.
all my love Ted madges.
Fuck Them
May 5, 2006
Now we’ve got a home phone it makes it easier to discover. I don’t owe nothing.
Which actually in plain English means I actually owe a bit on my water bill, and the left overs from a small loan I took out two tears ago. I didn’t realis thet evrybody, every body, Gas, Electricity, Water, Parking, Council Tax, retailers, everybody had jumped on the bastard bandwagon and chosen to re-inflate their prices with whatever their PLC board of directors deem they might get away with.
FUCK THEM.
I’ve just been given a ‘Happy Shopper’ bag. Where are the unhappy shopper bags? When I go in the Co-op, where are the cheaper ‘un-fair trade’ displays? I can’t afford to pay some Columbian cocaine lords and the Co-op to get rich.
Give me a chance to live. Fair Trade my arse. Give me reasonably priced food, give me power, heat and water prices I can afford. Let me park on the roads I pay road and Council tax for at a reasonable penance. I am paying for expensive shit and getting treated like an idiot, and so are you.
The TV Licensing board have threatened me twice in a week, once in a letter, once in a phone call, to take me to court and fine me £1000 because they don’t believe I don’t have a TV set or any means to receive their stupid fucking programmes. Fuck Them. Come and have a look if you think your van is small enough. We have written to them, phoned them twice and paid up until April 1st (no joke intended) yet they still don’t believe us. What is a computer for?
The water board says we have to pay £1225 a year for water. Are you having a fucking laugh? That’s £23.50 a week for water. I haven’t even got a bath. Cunts. I own a washing machine but it’s obvious to everyone that knows me that I’m a dirty bastard. I don’t wash oily dirty clothing four times a day, nor babies nappies. I’m not incontinent nor is my wife so why £23.50 a week charge? They will have to take me to court and given a chance I will bark loudly. You rip off tossers. UP 25% SINCE aPRIL 2005.
How are we supposed to pay these bills? How are you?
These people are inflating their prices because they are scared for their shreholders. Scared before the bomb goes up.Scared before the economy goes tits up infront of their fat, red, rich faces. Scared of the inevitable and they are making the pauper pay.
Well fuck them
Don’t pay. Clog the courts. Give them hell. Give them what they deserve. Nobody fights back anymore. It’s obvious our politicians have all come from the same gene pool, they all look the same, lie the same and smell the same. Bad. They have never really represented the common person. Anybody that is interested in power proves, it’s all self interest at heart.
No interest in educating our children. No interest in bringing our crime rate into order. No chance of helping our elderly. No interest in bringing prices down. It’s all self interest.
Self fucking interest at an APR that costs us at present more than a 40% increase even if we are law abiding and paying our (their) debts.
FUCK THEM
Don’t talk to the left hand, talk to the single ring finger, upright. FUCK OFF.
Death and Stuff.
March 17, 2006
Ahoy Ahoy.
Two old locals dies this month so I move up the Village Idiot charter to 82nd in line. I had little or nothing to do with their deaths and neither you, nor Whitby police can prove otherwise.
Our cottage has involuntarily moved another two inches towards the beach. The dustbins have eventually been emptied leaving thirty million flies homeless. Our mad friend and her baby have moved into a new house in Scarborough with her boyfriend who still lives in the 1960s. They seem happy. Eric is still alive but telling more lies than the British Government so I am avoiding him.
Not much more to add at present, now get off your sorry arse and package me up some DVDs. If you can’t be bothered to write me a letter surely you must have the brain power to do that.
Don’t make yourself a stranger.
Yours, dribbling in hope
Ted and long suffering family.
P.S. If you ever do that again, I’ll burn your fucking house down. Got It?
Ted.
Robin Hoods Bay Daily Grind
March 13, 2006
Ahoy Ahoy.
Well, Holly’s at work and I am cleaning the microwave with some smart squirty chemicals I ‘borrowed’ from one of my cleaning jobs. This rich couple buy all the latest gadgets and the most expensive caustic sprays for me to clean their flat with, and I replace them with 18p bleach from Wilkinsons, and own brand Vim. Our house is very clean though. So is the dog now. The bottles said ‘NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS’ so I recified that. He now smells like an alpine forest in spring. Albeit a hairy one. Have you tried thos Mr. Sheen floor cleaning devices? They’re about a million pounds to buy but the’re great fun for scaring cats with.
The cricket has resumed again. Bad light keeps stopping play. They are such fucking wooses the cricketers. When I was younger, I used to play football in the dark, and darts.
My book (books) are going well. One needs a load of layout and cut and pasting which is fiddly and time consuming, but it’s coming along. I need inspiration today. I might go and stand next to the headland and breathe in the cool breeze from the arctic sea. Or I might just go to the Dolphin next door for a pint.
The post has just been. The dog got three parcels (true) all addressed to ‘Ben The Dog’. One from Littlewoods giving him his own credit account, a free book and a membership to a gardening club. I shall have to have a word with him. But in the meantime I’m going to study the bra section in the Littlewoods catalogue. Just for, erm, research purposes. I put his name as a joke on a market research survey and now the little bastards getting stuff on H.P. - I’d love to see them get him into court. Piss and shit everywhere. (It’s ok, I’m not really going to order anything in his name, I might be stupid but I’m not a thief).
Just been out, it’s midday and a school bus is wedged, stuck fast, by the Laurel pub and our local bucket and spade shop. Stupid Leeds Bastards. Well, Bradford actually, but near enough. There are HUGE signs at the top of the hill warning that NOBODY will be allowed in a motor vehicle in our village yet the driver but be blind, or drunk, or indeed blind drunk.
I looked inside but there were no dead children. Shame. I had my digital camera on me and I could have sold that picture everywhere. The police will come. The insurance firms will come, and eventually a tractor will come. Fucking stupid idiots.
Still you gotta laugh.
Anyway, I’d like to thank the public for the Oscar I received last week for the world’s most pointless man, and I dedicate my award to the fucking baby Jesus.
I am now going to set fire to some school childre. But it’s ok, Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair used the same excuse “God told me to do it”.
See you in the Sunday Papers.
Yours offensively.
Ted.
Leeds, Whitby, Schoolkids and Piss.
March 11, 2006
Ahoy Ahoy.
The Bay has been over-run by school parties from Leeds visiting the Maritime museum and catching bird flu on the beach. Crime has gone up four fold. I forgot just how much eight year olds can swear, and smoke, and drink. White Lightening cider sold out in all the stores (something to calm the teachers probably) and all the litter bins were left over-flowing with Dairylea Dunkers cartons and Penguin wrappers, and junior condoms.
Bastards.
I fucking hate Leeds. I go to hospital regularly there. It’s so tall and full of chavs. Everything is either broken, graffitied, run by an immigrant, or all three together. The trains smell of piss, the bus station smells of piss and all the public toilets are closed. I know, I pissed in the Bus Station.
In Whitby it’s now 20p for a wee and 40p for a poo in the ‘public’ toilets. I go to William Hills and get 60ps worth of defecation for nothing. Fuck the Council.
The cricket is at ‘lunch’ it’s 6.30am. England have already lost two wickets for 37 runs. Not Good. I’m going to take the dog on the beach before the sea comes back. I’ve made a stew and curry and a pasta dish and it’s not even 7am. Now I’m off to clean the toilet, do all the washing up and then shave. Holly will be up about 8am. I will walk up to the car with her, I need some stamps and a newspaper from the Post Office, nearly a mile away, where we park the car.
Still no parking permit. The Counmcil are bastards. I’ve put the rubbish bags out. A small van comesaround and picks them up. No chance of getting a proper dustbin lorry down our village. Well, If one did get down it would never be able to get back up. I dont think it could take the corners anyway.
Ahoy Ahoy.
Ted.
Victorian Weekend in The Bay
March 11, 2006
Hello all.
The Victorian Weekend is going ahead this year. It’s a very weird time indeed. Two days where thousands of bloody pensioners dress up like characters from `Dickens` and descend on our village singing carols and buying over-priced mince pies from the Coastguard’s drunk wife. I think they also ram small children up chimneys and Mrs. Mad Pie from the shell shop contracts scurvey for charity. I have resolved to dress up in a spacesuit and carry a 24th century ray gun to ruin their ambience. I pay my poll tax, I’ll do what I fucking want.
More from The Bay.
March 10, 2006
Ahoy Ahoy.
England have won the toss. Flintoff (fresh from giving birth) is going to bat, I think. Play should start at around 5.15am our time. You can tell what time it is in India by turning your watch upside down (unless it’s digital, obviously)… it works, I’ve tried it. I’m going to make another coffee, let Ben, our dog run around the village while I chase him with a poo bag and then make Holly’s packed lunch when I get back. I’ve just re-read that bit and it sounds like I might be putting dog’s poo in Holly’s sandwiches. Who knows? I will tell her it’s Marmite and peanut butter and the crunchy bits are onion.
Well, England have batted off, or whatever they do in cricket. The batsmen are facing a seventeen year old Indian who had to take time off school to play (true). He is still better than any of the English players. The dog did two poo’s for those of you who may be interested and he had fresh chicken for breakfast. It’s raining in Bay and today high tide is at 10am (5.4 meters).
I still need DVDs, anything will do. Last night I watched ‘Hitchhikers Guide’ the film, which Holly and I went to see at the cinema. I will watch it again with the Directors commenatry on. Tonight after I’ve finished my writing and reading for the day I will treat myself to ‘Peter Pan’. I’m only watching one DVD a day to make them last.
Holly has nearly finished her website thing. If you want photos of stuff here, you know, snow the high tide fiasco, the dog having a poo etc, send us your email address and Holly might send you some on the computer. I am not alllowed withing ten feet of it.
Ben (the dog) got bitten the other day by a canine the size of a large mouse. He was pathetic for hours afterwards. I had to pull them apart. I am hard like that. The dogs owner was a shit arse wimp of a bloke. I nearly punched him.
Ahoy Ahoy.
Ted.
Good Morning Campers
March 9, 2006
Well, it’s 4am on Thursday, and I’ve been let down by the rain. It’s bloody poored in India and the second test is delayed. The good news is that it has given captain Andy Flintoff time to have a baby(??)
It’s been a busy week, our landlords are coming over from France to do all the repairs on our house they should have done before we moved in (and the heroin dealers were evicted). I’m going to get my carpets steamed (not drunk you understand, cleaned). There was so much broken by the police raid the week before we moved in, it was the talk of the Bay. Six police cars, dogs, riot shields, (more on them later) and two meat wagons. All to arrest a teenager and his girlfriend. They recovered cannabis with a ’street’ (ie. Inflated) price of around £8 and a tenners worth of brown. The operation cost the taxpayers upwards of eight grand and over £1000 worth of damage was done to the premisis. Now is it just me that’s stupid?
Anyway, the landlords are going to replace the fireplace, lino, some sockets, toilet seats, taps etc. -we have already had a cowboy from Whitby to ‘repair’ the light sockets, replace the flourescent in the kitchen and re-attach most of the gas meter and gas fittings, as well as ripping up the lino in the kitchen. (I say kitchen, but it’s really just the walkway between the front room and the combination shower / toilet). That’s all happening next week, clashing with Jude from Worksop and her friend who are supposed to be staying here on the floor crammed between the armchair and fireplace. That’ll be impossible. To be honest I will probably offer them our bed and Holly and I will crush up in the living room / toilet area. It really is that small here. Still, I’ve slept with nine others in a carvanette, so anything is possible I suppose.
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