I hate living in flats.
September 25, 2008
Fuck I hate it here sometimes. At least living on the top floor nobody can pace up and down on my ceiling. well not unless they`re a fuckin seagull they cant. Its been mayhem here this week. Bloody Twiss has been banging about downstairs or it might be macey. I just heard loads of vomiting in the stair well all last night and somebody was banging non stop on one of the doors. I couldn`t be bothered to find out just who it was so I put some ear plugs in. This morning there was a trail of vomit from right outside my front door, past macey and Twiss`s front door ,past that old gits and puddles of it outside Meths Steph hovel. God knows what went on I just stay out of it. I hope its not Twiss I wanted her to go to the bookies for me and steal me some tea from Tesco. Ive got her mobile number but shes not answering. I`ll send her a text. I lost me job at Gabbys Chippy. I couldn`t be arsed to turn in one saturday and the boss had to work it on his own. He wasn`t right pleased I can tell you. He came round banging on my door and i had to pretend I had explosive shits. He told me I was a waste of space. Didn`t want the job anyway. wish I`d stole more chips. That was the first job I`ve done for years where I wasn`t on the take. Anyway I reckon I`ve got a good touch for the weekend at the bookies. Might spend some of me £90 profit. I`ll put my tip up either friday evening or early saturday morning. Its football ,and its scottish lower leagues. Thats all I can say at the moment. I wont Tip it if i aint sure, waiting on some team info on the opposition, word is they cant field a team. tell you later
Trevor Chettle Ace Chip Fryer
August 7, 2008
Spam, Spam, Amsterdam
June 26, 2008
How yer diddlin
My stupid Sister Poppy is in all sorts of shit with mum. It appears she was up to something. I knew she was. It seems watching that awful Ellen Page film HARD CANDY had more of an effect on her that I had at first thought.
It appears her Hannah and Boosh have been using Hannahs mums credit card to try and buy some drugs to knock a Pedophile out that they were planning to catch .It all went tits up. As in most of the things she does. I think Hannahs mum lost a lot of money but is trying to get it back via the credit card insurance. She is such a twat, that`s why my bloody computer is playing up. I am still getting over 50 spam E mails a day from Nigerian companies’ I have banned her from touching it now. I have changed my password and I take the mouse with me when I go to work. Anyhoo I think I`ve enough money to go to Amsterdam, Monkey has borrowed three hundred quid off her credit card so I can bum off her if I need too. We`re only going for three days,but we aim to get completely fucked up. I can`t wait. I`m staying in this week to save money. Well I might just buy a bottle of vodka and drink it at home. Got Tescos tonight from six til ten. great. I hate working at night in the summer. I should be out on the beach round a bonfire getting wrecked with Monkey and the Flamborough Massive. hey ho. Roll on Amsterdam
Primitive Bridlington Man
June 13, 2008
A marine genetic experiment gone badly awry. A bit like in that Jurassic dinosaur park movie. Cloned from Whitby Jet and nurtured in a laboratory.
Primitive Bridlington Man was reborn and let loose on an unsuspecting seaside community.
These are his diaries.
MAD GAZZA SAYS
May 15, 2008
- You gotta eat more raw liver
- You Gotta get yourself tooled up. Get a bag of rocks. You never know who’s fookin after you, man.
- I nearly won the fookin’ world cup I did. And I’m not mad. It was on the fookin’ tele.
- Go Mental - Invite a bear for dinner
- When I played for spurs I ate a whole train. And it was a biggun. Inter fookin’ city like.
- I’ve got loads of worms in me pants. Collected them me’sen. Used jam as bait. Works well with wasps too. Way ay, that’s a canny tip that.
- I had a wig hammered onto me fookin’ head once for a bet. And there’s not many that can say that.
- I once had a amate, right, and the canny fella collected the foil off ketchup bottle openings for charity. Raised a fooki’ million or summit. And do ya ken, that mate was me.
- Don’t drink three bottles of bleach. Ever
- Keep ants off yer fookin’ picnic. Just serve beer. They’re scared of ale, ants like.
- Y’know that Meryl Streep like, she’s related to me. And I was in a filem with her, Silkwood like. All that plutonium nonsense in her house. I was her dog.
- If yer start to cross a road like, keep goin’ like. It’ll be worth it, come later
- Take everyday at a time, even yesterday.
- Remember the difference between salad cream and shaving foam. Saves tears.
- When yer in a strange hotel like, remember to check out the mini bar, regularly. It’s fookin’ amazing what you might find. ‘Five Bellies’ taught me that, and he used to be me mam.
- When I was a nipper like, I gave bone marrow disease to Churchill. Me mam showed me on the internet.
- It’s possible to make boats disappear. I done it at Brighton once. Canny skill.
- You don’t wanna keep standing up all the time like. Sit down occassionally. It works, I’ve tried it man.
- I was Mayor of Gotham City for a week when I played for Kettering. Batman used to get me bacon buttys at half time and everything. I remember it like it was yesterday. Oh, and that Robin - he we’re a thievin’ cunt. Nicked me shin pads. Bastard.
- I got a book out the library and it were full of kestrels.
- You know them new ‘Metros’? They’re invisible in a certain light - built like that. Canny feature. Got room for a camel in the boot too. Small one obviously. Mentions it in the advert if you listen carefully.
- I invented them ‘condensed novels’ like. I dun in powdered form too. Come in a jar, just add water man. Hey presto Jane fookin’ Eyre.
- I ate me own placenta.
Captain Cash - This is me.
May 2, 2008
Life’s like that. You find an opportunity and want to use it. Jon Fat Beast has this site and I want to contribute too. So, as well as typing all Beast’s posts up for him, I’ve decided to contribute a little bit here and there myself.
So, a little about me… Captain Cash comes about because I work for a well known store that converts peoples goods into cash. I’ll say little more than that, other than I live in Lincolnshire.
The shop provides a wealth of entertainment. From scummers with a drug habit who need a fiver for their latest fix to the ‘Mr. Respectable’ who’s dark secret is a gambling addiction that their wife knows nothing about, I see them all. “How much will you give me for (insert your own shitty item description here) is the question I get asked a hundred times a day.
We also cash cheques for people who ‘can’t wait for the bank to clear it’. Yeah, right. More like they’re way overdrawn and if they pay it in it’ll get swallowed up in one fell swoop.
Want to know more? Keep reading - I’ll be contributing little gems now and then that should keep you entertained.
Hello - I’m 82 you know
May 1, 2008
Hello, I’m Albert Hamlin. I am 82 years young and I am looking for a young lady. I joke, of course, when I say young I mean younger than me, which will include practically all of you. Pay attention here too, because when I say I’m looking for a young lady, that excludes you Agnes Bunion. I’ve had it with you, don’t even bother replying and I mean it. I’m sick of the bloody sight of you if I’m honest. Young lady, young lady, Tena lady more like it. Get it through your head - I just do not fancy you. I know exactly what I do like, and trust me Agnes - It’s not you. And stop sending me bloody socks! I’ve got enough socks to last me until two thousand and bloody fifty and I’ll be dead long before that so STOP sending me socks you stupid, deluded old woman.
Where was I? Oh, yes, I hate computers. I get all hot and bothered. But, you have to move on and I don’t want to die alone, so a computer I shall use. My son set this up for me and a right pigs ear he made of it I can tell you.The bloody flex won’t reach all the way to the socket so I’ve had to move it onto the damn dining table, which of couse is the wrong height and it gives me gip in me back and now I have to get up to answer the phone should it ring. Not that it ever does. Set the computer up for me Son but don’t ever bother picking up the phone to see if I’m still breathing - Oh no, that’s far too much trouble. Not too much trouble to come and see me when you want to borrow some money though is it? It wouldn’t huts to phone me once in a while though. And I don’t mean you Agnes - will you ever stop calling me? I don’t want to go to church, I don’t need a lift to Tesco and I don’t want you to come around and cook me a bloody meal. Why can’t you get the message woman?
Where was I? Oh God, I’ve just deleted everything in my ‘Favourites’ box. It’ll take me until Christmas to get all that back - wait, No, no… I think it’s still there, oh bugger, I’ll have to ring my bloody son. Bear with me a moment
There, I’m back. That was a bloody palava, I can tell you. Got the bugger out of the shower. He thought me time was up. Couldn’t get the sod to answer the phone so I pushed me panic alarm. That got him out of the shower pretty damn sharp. He thought his inheritance was in the post. Bloody waster. I never should have had kids. Well, me first missus wanted one. I said “We’ve got a dog, what do you want a bloddy kid for?” Women eh? Anyway, Oh hell, I’ve got a meat pie in the oven and it’s probably burnt to a crips.
Well I never. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry. I’ve just checked the oven. It’s colder than the bloody fridge. I only forgot to turn it on. Thank God really, the bloody pie’s been in three hours. I must get the thermostat on the fridge looked at while i think of it.. I’ll get a piece of paper and write me’s’en a note. Oh Lord Baby Jesus why is there never a pen when you bneed one? I had four here earlier. Just here with my glasses. Oh Lord Baby Jesus where are my glasses? I’ll be back in a minute.
Found the pens. Found my glasses. They were over by the phone. Must have moved them when I called that daft Son of mind. God knows why - I just seem to do things like that more and more nowadays.
Anyway, ‘Midsomer Murders’ is on tele in two minutes and I likes that. Although - even I can work out there’s more murders in that sleepy village in a month than bloody London gets in a year - and don’t get me started about London.
And where did I put the remote?
Young Ladies - please write to me after the bleep.
Albert Hamlin. I’m 82 you know.
Jailbird - That’s all you need to know…
May 1, 2008
Writin this to teach you young’uns a thing or two. God knows I’ve seen some.
They call me The Guvnor. Well, they don’t, not all of ‘em, but they should.
Have I met Reggie Kray? No, I haven’t. Have I roomed with Lenny McLean? No I haven’t. Do I know Joe Pyle, Ronnie Knight or Charlie Richardson? No I don’t. But that don’t stop me bein the man - Got It?
I worked alone, never part of a Firm. Me own man. Done some time, still doin’ some, no bother. Got a three stretch for fraud. Should be out by Christmas. I’m right rehabilitated so I am. Your Honour…..
I’ve never been one for looking back. I never saw the point. Day I turned forty, I told meself never look back. The past is the past. Water under the bridge.
Got no real family so bird no real hassle. Done YP, got a rep as a fighter early on so people left me alone. I like it that way. Never none nuffin too meaty. Bit of theivin’ got caught for a Post Office in 1990, got away with it clean. As I say, nothin’ big. I’ll be out by Christmas.
Writin this to get a life set up outside. Need a lass for a start. Need a job. Easier said than done. Got too much rep. Got told recently I was public enemy no. 374
hiya - im poppy
May 1, 2008
twiss had a metro but she crashed it when she was drunk. me mum went mad. I thought it was a right laff. ive driven her metro twice. once on the road outside aldi car park and once I took twiss and monkey home from sewerby at three in the morning because neither of them could stand up. I only drink bacardi breezers but theyre quite strong. oh and I like white cider through a straw and vodka.
I am five foot two. an inch shorter than twiss. I like hollyoaks and young dracula. twiss burnt me a copy of the new duffy album but its crap. I like kate nash and also old school stuff, billy bunter and stuff like that.
I get in at clowns if I wear me heels but don’t tell mum lol. shell never read this. she cant even use the dvd player let alone a computer.
boosh and me goes up the baylegate at weekends or up the old town. we gets in at the back of the priory and drinks cider sat on the gravestones. that’s if its not raining. if it is then we sit outside the cashpoint at tesco. some bloke gave us £3 last week. we hassle people to buy us drink. most don’t want to know but someone always goes in and gets us some eventually.
twiss needs to use the computer so that’s it for now. and hannah you’ve still got my purple hooded top and my jellies. ive got your skull ring and your black top with seagull shit on it. and I don’t want to swap.
poppy
xxx
Twiss
April 30, 2008
Hiya, I’m Twiss. How you diddlin? I’m 23, I’m fit, even if I do say so myself. I came 3rd in the 2006 Miss Bridlington Contest and I would’ve won but Tracey Moore was shagging two of the judges - what chance does a girl have against that? She’s a right slapper.
I’ve been on X Factor twice, well I only actually got to see the production team, I never actually met Simon Cowell (He’s kind of lush for a wrinkly) but I got my boobs out and sang ‘I Will Survive’ twice. I reckon it’s rigged anyway. Everybody at The Castle says I’m a mint singer. I do karaoke most fridays before going to Clowns.
I’m a cracking dancer, I pole and podium. I did ok at school - got two jobs now, I’ve had loads. I work thirty hours at New Look in town and do tills at Tesco part time.
All me mates call me Twiss, nobody calls me Theresa, well Belinda at Tesco does, cow, she’s my section manager, she’s ok really just a bit old. She’s thirty. Looks forty. Always having streaks in her hair covers the grey I reckons.
I got a bloke, Richard, shagged him last week in the toilets at Clowns. He’s ok, he’s a roofer, cashed up y’know so he’s cool. I shagged his mate Mick same night but he’s going bald and wears Helly bloody Hansen tops, so 2007.
I goes out Thursday with Monkey most weeks to Loop. Free to get in, Bacardi and Coke 95p, sorted. She works with me at New Look, we’re both Assistant Managers. I think there are six Assistant Managers, you don’t get no more money than a bloody trainee but you can skive off more.
What can I tell you about me. I like bein’ in control. I like a drink and I don’t wear a thong more than once. Three days on then chuck it in the bin, or sell ‘em on eBay. Done that twice, great laugh. Fuckin perv paid me
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BUSINESS REVIEW. This Week Bridlington Old Town Pubs.THE QUEENS HOTEL High Street Old Town Bridlington. Reviewed by MAD GAZZA and his OWLS Way ay, I landed a canny job here like. The Bridlington Penguin has asked me,... Read more »
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