QUEENS HOTELs new Quiz Night every Friday possible. starting 24th Oct
October 17, 2008
on QUEENS HOTELs new Quiz Night every Friday possible. starting 24th Oct
Way aye that Fat Bastard southern poof Jon Fat Beast is rooning a fookin quiz night oop at Queens in the old toon. Fuck it`ll be shite but am gonna go anyway and try and ruin it for the little obese monkey man. He did one for the whole of fookin Morrisons the big shop wot sells fish, an bike tyres and well just abowt fookin everything. Its a bit like Tescos only much more fookin expensive an yer canna get a pint at three in the fookin morning from Morrisons. anyway, they liked it so now the whole of fookin Bridlington can come and try and win some shite prizes. am gonna nick a pony an ride it to Filey. Haddaway an shite am pissed as an owl.
Saturday Night at Rock-iT with Mad Gazza
October 4, 2008
well aye. I`m a bit pissed like. The owls are everywhere. Had away an shite. Am at that new Rock-iT bar its fookin ace. Got smoke everywhere. don`t think its on fire well it might be I canna see straight. Smells canny like lemons.
think its one of them smark machines. Me owls hate it like.
Got some loud fookers with long hair makin` a fookin racket. They`re MANNIX from Leicester and All i know is Bens moved me outta room two in the hotel to let their girlfriends have it overnight like. Hope they doon`t check out the wardrobe. its canny full of sick like. really full. It were overflowin but I stuffed some towels into it to stop the flow. Not so sure the bath will be too healthy. When the toilet overflowed I think I may have used the bath for a number 2. or two.
I`m in room 4. with Bens bike. and loads of broken stuff. I feel canny at home. Them band are smurkin some of that poof. smell it a mile off. I canna touch the stuff, not with the tablets I`m on from me psychiatrist like.
am happy with me ale. Them band doing loads o really fast loud songs. One of the fookers used to be in Bomb Disneyland, a folk band from Norway like, then the singer was in that Crazyhead on that food records with Bloor. I remember them Bloor. Had a fight with the singer in the Hard Rock Cafe once over a sticky Bun he stuffed in Sheyrls face. Coont. Anyway Crazyhead weren`t as famous as Bloor. or Diesel Park West. or even fookin Sensitize but they were better. Not all them really Successful bands in the charts are good like. Just look at Alphabeat. They`re conts.
anyway. This Mannix like do some of their own stuff and a coopla cover versions of gay tunes and the like. y know. that “Fat Pig”, which is aboowt Child Moolesteers and the like. like.
fook am pissed. Just
MAD GAZZA’s TOP TIPS
September 28, 2008
Instead of wasting money on shoe polish, just wear dorty shoes.
When Washing dyed or Bleached Hair take two bottles into the shower. One shampoo. The other, Vodka
If you drop yer mobile inter the lavvy yer an idiot. I know Sheyrl told me
Collect any fat in your grill pan from cookin burgers and sausages and spread it on bread to make a delicious after poob snack all the family can enjoy. If they`re pissed that is.
If yer meet that Carol Vorderman in a lift, like, divna keep goin on abowt that Dead Richard Whitely, she divna like it see.
Walkin round toon with a bag o Turkey Twizzlers doon yer keks lowers yer sperm carnt.
Dinna drive a dooble decker bus when yer pissed like
Gazza predicts
September 28, 2008
Ar Hower man wot ya deein to me Toon Army Mike Ashley ? Gazza predicts you sell Newcastle United to a South African Warlord then die in a helicopter crash, like that Mathew Harding did.
Gazza predicts Sunderland burn in hell. Filthy dorty maccums
Yer kna wot ? That Charlotte Church is a man. Straight oop. Timmy five jellies told me. she divn`t sweat much forra fat lass with a bairn though. Stood next to her once at Cardiff Arms park while she was havin` a piss. Standin` oop.
GAZZA REVIEWS “The GlamGodZ” Queens Hotel 27th sept 2008
September 28, 2008
Ar Hower man. Fookin` Hot in here. Sheryls gone to Bingo up toon an left me in the company o Ben the Landlord. Yer kna wot ? He`s me greatest fan he is. He thinks I`m ace. Offered me a room here to live in for ever. Fancy that Mad Gazza livin` above a poob. Had away an shite. Fookin` champion. He`s let me have Room 2 an its got a canny little shower and a lavvy. an its now got sick on the bedspread. Yer kna wot, I did that. Tonight it`s some seventies band, it might be T Rex for all I know. They look like a bunch of fookin sweaty jessies. I canna see properly see, the rooms packed with owls.
fook I`m pissed as a little monkey. Its so Hot me owly mates are sweatin buckets. they divnt like the heat man. That`s why you never see an owl in a greenhouse. or Australia.
This bands got a lead singer who looks canny like a weasel with a mop on his head, an a sock stuffed doon his lycra pants. He`s probably one of them hermersex. yer canna tell nowadays, when I was in Thailand with Teddy Sherringham and Peter Beardsley we all got sucked off by one of them ladyboys. Don`t say nart to Cheyrl she`ll kill me. anyway, reckon this ladyboy was a hermasex.
Fook. I just went for a wazz an when I cum back the band have only gone and fooked off for a bit. Might have a go on the drums.
am so drunk I fell over the Lights and one of them big speakers hoyed itself into the keyboards. fooked the band reet off I can tell yer. The fat drummer punched me in the mooth. Ben stepped in and It all kicked off.
I just hid in me bedroom. I can`t help thinkin` I might be a bit too blame. Better lay low for a bit. Don`t think they`ll be doin a second set. Think the bass players lost an eye an the bald piano player`s got a microphone stand poking out of his head. don`t reckon Landlord Ben will be reet happy. ar hower man I was only havin` a laff. Its the geordie sense of Humour see.
MAD GAZZA IN SPAIN
September 24, 2008
way ay man .I`m as pissed as a little spanish donkey. I`ve got a neat Sombrero on and sick down me front. I`m just relaxing beside the pool at me holiday hotel in the fookin sun, gettin some rays and havin a few fookin tinnies beside the fookin seaside
Me flock of Owls are resting on a sun lounger with a pint of pina collada and a bag of fookin nuts. Mouse flavoured. They go ape for them me owls. Timmy five bellies me lifelong best friend and long term drinking partner is vomiting in the shallow end scaring the german schoolchildren. he`s such a fookin laugh he is. last night we went to one of them carry o key bars like, well it were just a bunch o pissed up lassies from middlesborough shouting along to “I Will Survive” an getting their norks out on the dance floor. Thats what Carry o key means ,its Italian see, like paella and Beef burgers, any way Carry O Key in Italian literally means “Pissed up munters shouting along to Gladys Night” . True that, a waiter told me yesterday. Anyway we all had a go, me, Timmy Five Bellies, George the trout, Old malcom the carpet and me old school pal Snotter Mc Bum, singing our little hearts out we were. Scared me owls like but it were canny fookin fun. I sung that Hollies song “Peggy Sue”, and Five Bellies shouted two verses of “River deep Mountain High” and fell into ornamental fish pond killing a carp instantly. At least thats how I remember it but I was completely off me fookin trolley by that time. Fookin Owls everywhere. right laugh. Old malcom nearly choked on his own vomit and George the trout shat his keks on the way back to the hotel. Top fookin night.Anyway we`re off to do it all again tonight and I`m gunna wear me comedy breasts and nowt else. way ay I`m pissed.
Gazza Goes Lapdancing
August 11, 2008
Gazza goes lapdancing in Bridlington and knocks down the Pack Horse.
Well Ay. Ave been oop that new lapdancing cloob in Brid. Canny good man. It’s had over seven thousand visitors so far, so the papers say. I went with Sheryl, we’re gonna get married like. I’m sure we did that before.
Anyway, this lapdancing club is like full of old blokes drinkin’ Baileys and swearin’. And there’s this wee bairn in a bikini on an’ she’s sat really bored in the corner readin’ Heat magazine. Wish I’d bought me owl book Kes with me now. Sheryl won’t let me have a beer so I’ve gotta drink Coke at eight quid a can. It’s cheaper than that on the fookin’ moon man.
I think I might go fishin’ off the pier. Caught a dolphin once like, put it in me keep net then let it go ‘cos it were crying’ like. They’re intelligent them things apparently. Not like that Stephen Hawkins, more like that Jordan. Ya know, street smart. Or sea smart probably.
I really canny see what all the foos is about these lapdancing clubs. I’m gonna go oop Old Town fer a lime and lemonade at the Queens Hotel. They got that Sky Sports now, five different channels on five different TV’s. It’ll do me head in watchin’ Spurs vs Barnet with the commentary from the boxing in the background. There’s even Test Cricket in the fookin’ bogs - champion eh! The footie season starts proper next week an I haven’t got a team to play fer. Might see if Bridlington Town need a daft mid-fielder. Now I’m off the ale I feel canny. Fit as a fiddle. I fancy me chances at fookin’ cricket like. Daft game that, throwin’ a ball at some daft fookers head at aboot a hundred miles a fookin’ hour. Mad that. Canne sus out the rules like, but I’m ok with one of them baseball bat things, so I could be canny good at that cricket. Might look into it now I’m off the ale, like.
I’m gettin’ back to me old smiley self, Sheryl even trusts me to walk back to The Priory on me own like.
TEN MINUTES LATER.
Well, I just popped into The Pack Horse fer a wee snifter. Just a glass or two to help me sleep tonight. An’ one thing led to another and somehow I told Sue the Landlady I was a qualified bricklayer like. Don’t know where that came from, and after me eighth pint I’m knocking a fookin’ wall down at the end of the bar. Don’t have a fookin’ clue what I’m rippin’ out just put a window in the mens bogs though with me sledgehammer. And somehow the cistern fell on the floor and there’s water and shit everywhere. I think maybe I’ll pretend that I needed to take this wall oot as an integral part of me smashing oop the wall in the bar, thirty yards away.
God, I’m pissed as a monkey, and if I’m honest I’ve made a bit of a mess of this job. Think I’ll sit down, have a few more pints and tell Sue I’ll finish the job in the mornin’ like, when they’ve got rid of all the water and they can get the leccy back on.
25 MINUTES LATER
Now Johnny Hill and Jules, two proper tradesmen are inspecting me handywork and I think they’re canny impressed how much I managed to break in such a short spell of time. Well, I’ve been told I’m not needed to finish the job, got paid in ale like, an’ am gonna have a couple more while I watch proper tradesmen rebuildin’ me wall with me owls as company like. Yup, me owly mates are back, only a few of ‘em but I reckon if I keep drinkin’ I might get a whole flock of ‘em by closin’ time. Or is it a pride of owls? Nah, that’s cows innit. Or is it sunflowers?
CLOSING TIME
I’m layin’ in a ditch with a whole host of screamin’ owls and a crate of Pimms.
I’m a little fookin’ monkey man, me.
Kes - A Book Review
August 8, 2008
Bridlington Priory Lockdown
Way Ay, I’m in the Priory an’ they locked me door so I canne go to the poob. A’ve got basket weaving and group councilling comin’ out me fookin’ arse. Am so bored. Bianca won’t see me and bring me tabs, an’ I need a can or two badly.. All I got is me four walls an’ a book on owls called Kes.
It’s canny good mind, It’s set oop north an’ a kid trains a fighting owl or summit.Not read a book since I were at junior school. Paddington or summit it were. About a tame lion livin’ in London as I recall. Used to bite tourists as I remember.
Anyway, this Kes the owl thing, he’s like this kids best friend an’ he takes it to school in his pocket. It learns Spanish as I remember. But to be honest me heads a bit mucked up with the drugs they’re giving me like, an’ I might have got some of the finer points mixed oop. Anyway, this Kes the owl has a fight with the school dog. And wins. And becomes everyones best friend. And the dog dies. And they bury it alive or summit.
It’s a love story, anyhow. The lads brother strangles the owl in a fit of rage and everyone lives happily ever after.
Canny good book. Canne wait fer the fil’m. That Demi Moore’s gonna be in it. As the owl.
Gazza.
Mad Gazza’s News Roundup
June 20, 2008
Mad Gazza’s News Roundup - June 14th 2008
Way Ay. Been pushin dogs off the cliffs near Flamborough Golf club. I was pissed as a little spaniel. Bloody coastguard, bloody do gooders only go and fish ‘em out the sea. Apparently there have been over thirty incidents like this on the Yorkshire coast this month. Well, I have been quite drunk recently.
Some local Chavettes been biting her mates lips when she was stoned. Made the front page of the Free Press. Aye, they do like a bite up here. And that Lee Evans is appearing at The Spa. He likes to bite peoples lips. Bloke down the pub told me.
Utopia now sells double vodka and Coke for less than two quid. Cheaper than Loop. Much cheaper than The Queens Hotel. Still not as cheap as white cider from the Co-op.
I just heard the Pavillion Bar is now selling four pints of Fosters and a sixteen inch pizza for less than a tenner. Well, a bottle of Tesco value vodka and a meat pie is less than seven quid. So I’ll be off to Tesco if it’s all roight with you.
Mad Gazza Predicts
June 12, 2008
Who’s going to die by Christmas
My money’s on Hale and Pace. Probably the fat one.
But, have small side bets on…
- The lead singer of Nickleback
- Cilla Black
- Steve Coogans Mum, or three members of The Corrs.
Business Reviews
BUSINESS REVIEW. This Week Bridlington Old Town Pubs.THE QUEENS HOTEL High Street Old Town Bridlington. Reviewed by MAD GAZZA and his OWLS Way ay, I landed a canny job here like. The Bridlington Penguin has asked me,... Read more »
Bridlingtons Cartoon Network
