The Bridlington Penguin

Eat My Shorts

Jon Fat Beast — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:22:50 +0000

Yesterday. whilst working. a dog ate my shorts.

No, really. Six people filmed it on their phones. I was just going about my business at Rock-it, stood up, a small terrier decided that he wanted to eat my shorts. So he did. He didn’t bite me. but it was eight minutes of him ripping my clothes off. Thats never happened to me before.

In five days time it’ll be on YouTube.. be patient. Just Google Jon Fat Beast dog shorts ripped off. My life just gets stranger and stranger..

Life.

Jon Fat Beast — Wed, 06 May 2009 13:20:00 +0000

Life. Dont talk to me about life. Yesterday we had two lovely young women come into the queens. Both lesbians. I am a girl so i sort of understand. The reason they came here was because of this wonderful website. Hidden in the archives of these pages one week I told the story of loads of our macho big blokes that stand at the end of the bar and swear for england, deciding they wanted to form a gay club. I wrote about it and because it’s now on the internet, if you google “BRIDLINGTON GAY CLUBS” we come up.

We are officially the gayest place on the north coast… it doesn`t half piss Ben off..

funny old april fools day

Jon Fat Beast — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 18:05:05 +0000

Nobody played any April Fools on me today but it bloody felt like it.Fuck did it feel like it. Firstly last Night Jojo the Dog my Faithful stupid fat old hound decided he was going to be really poorly. all after midnight, he didn`t sleep on the bed for the first time in five years, I was up half the night on the bloody floor making sure he was ok. I took him out three times between 2am and 6am I really thought at 13 he`d bought the farm. I went to sleep at 7am had horrible dreams about missing my own wedding through a manic series of incidents which were not my fault and awoke at 11am in a cold sweat shaking. The dog was still on the floor but alive and well and had decided in the period i was asleep to empty one of the bins looking for pop tarts or whatever daft dogs look for in bins. he was fine thank god. Three bills I`ve paid fell through the letterbox and I got a text from Captain Cash at the Penguin telling me that the Hacking on this site was unrepairable. None of them April Fools. All just Shit Bloody life throwing its nonsense in my direction again. God if you exist I fucking hate you.

isnt the internit a wonderful tool

Jon Fat Beast — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:57:55 +0000

This morning i have been talking to Thom Yorke from Radiohead. after 20 years of not speaking to him. we fell out. but we are friends again. isnt the internit a wonderful tool. and so am I.

THE GLASGOW ROLLER GIRLS

Jon Fat Beast — Fri, 27 Mar 2009 14:56:43 +0000

This week I have mainly been going mad. This morning i had a visit from the Men In Black on thursday it was three female Mormons. Neither made any Sense but both happened. I have just been asked by somebody to promote THE GLASGOW ROLLER GIRLS, which is a sixteen strong scottish Roller Disco troupe. My punk opera is coming along nicely and ten minutes ago a small dog had a wee on my leg. This is life in Bridlington and if it gets any fucking weirder I will explode.

Ben the Dreamer

Jon Fat Beast — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 16:16:53 +0000

Ben my best friend had a really bad nightmare last night. He woke up covered in sweat and stuff. He had been taken at knife point from his pub to a bank tied up with his bank manager then the dream moved to him coming back to the pub and there was a civic reception going on and I was presented with the keys to the city by the mayor for doing nothing apart from being here when he wasnt. He just gets stranger.

Nu Rave

Jon Fat Beast — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 10:08:30 +0000

nu rave is big in Bridlington. I have been asked to find some nu rave bands. I have no idea what nu rave is. Old rave used to be thumpy repetative beats that only idiots fuelled on twelve tabs of ecstasy in bad clothing danced to in stinky warehouses or cow shit ridden fields. but nu rave is apparently completely different. How. nobody can explain. they can tell me what it isn`t. Its not Rap. its not Garage. its not old school. its played by youngsters in hip Manchester and New York clubs. please enlighten me.

Naked Fishing?

Jon Fat Beast — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 10:07:00 +0000

The latest Craze to hit Bridlington,apart from No parent families and drug rape is NAKED FISHING. Yes the free Press and Yorkshire Coast radio have both reported on the Phenomena. They of course have no idea who would be stupid enough to brave the arctic weather on south Beach with just a bobble hat on. I on the other hand know exactly who it is. His name is Frog. and a full report with photos is needed immediatly.

Bank Holiday Jez - LIVE @ ROCK-iT Bridlington Fri 30th Jan 9pm FREE ENTRY

Jon Fat Beast — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 08:32:21 +0000

“a Rabbit is not just for Christmas” The 2009 live show from BANK HOLIDAY JEZ live at Rock-iT Queens Hotel Fri 30th Jan 9pm Free entry
With live songs and comedy armed just with a computer and a guitar Bank Holiday Jez has entertained tens of thousands of people over the past few years at live gigs and festivals
Lead singer with UK Punk band Adolescents and fron man of Channel 4s THE SQUIRREL HUNTERS, Jez,now solo plays 2 completely different sets on one night in bridlington at Rock-iT queens hotel on friday 30th jan.
He plays mandolin,Piano as well. and sprouts. really
He songs are mainly about places he has visited and failed to burn down.
“scunthorpe in the springtime” and “I hate Hull” are two crowd favourites
Except obviously in scunthorpe and hull where for obvious reasons he doesnt play gigs anymore
“dont gimme Vegetables” and “Cauliflower in my Bed” are two songs from his 5 a day period.
other Bank Holiday Jez classics include “You`ve got Piles” “then I was sick” “I did the garden for William Hagues Auntie” “Colin the Badger” Bill the Ferret” and “steak and Kidley pie”
“Excuse me can you tell me the way to the toilet” from his second album,”Carrots Galore” is just purile rubbish and probably his best work to date.
He also covers live tracks from the sex pistols and george formby,kate Bush and the Ramones. His influences include Frank Spencer and “British Lion Beetroot” and when he plays live he is often naked.
a strange night is guarenteed for all.

Pipex Homecall - Incompetant Buffoons!

Captain Cash — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 13:30:27 +0000

Yeah yeah, I know this isn’t the place but the frustration I’ve been suffering over the last three days means you’ll have to suffer it too.

Essentially, if you want a communications company that doesn’t have a bunch of half-wit johhny foreigners based in Manilla that can do no more than read in broken English from a script that seems specifically designed to really fuck with your head, use Pipex.

You can ring all sorts of numbers - 0871 574 4444 and 0871 6633 300 to name two, (both at prime fucking rate no doubt) and you WILL want to kill yourself within a few minutes. It’s a shame I cant type what a Philippino accent sounds like - but it IS designed to really fuck you off.

And they can only say things like “I understand Sir” but still totally fail to resolve any kind of problem.
In addition, (and remember Pipex is supposed to be a communications outfit) they cannot transfer you to anyone either in charge or in another department.

The incompetance is utterly astounding.

And all they had to do is remove the pre carrier signal from my line and return my calls to BT. A job they right royally fucked up. Now, when trying to dial out all I get is “You are trying to access a service to which you are not subscribed”. I know I’m not fucking subscribed you bunch of twats - I closed the account!

So, no help from the cancellations line. No help from the Technical help line (You just get put through to Broadband ‘Support’) and no help from anyone even approaching British descent.