Mad Gazza - Time Traveller 2
May 31, 2008
Saturday Evening. Shouting at buses. Doncaster Coach Station. Yorkshire.
Oh damn. It’s happened again. I’ve time travelled. I was just havin’ a beer in Victoria outside me hotel an’ next thing I’m covered in piss an’ sick with only one shoe on an’ the bloody owls are back again. An’ I don’t know where I am. I must have travelled down a wormhole at twice the speed of light or summit. I’m gonna have another beer or two and see what occurs.
Saturday
May 31, 2008
Guess what? Drunk again. Fell over a stool at the Stirling Castle and bruised my ankle. Monkey was drunk by two when I finished at New Look. We’re doing town tonight. Well, it’s only five now. The place is full of fat drunk west yorkshire couples with four ugly fat kids. Y’know, two double pushchair families. Like they’ve never heard of contraception in Halifax and have half a dozen kids in quick succession. Y’know in about five years, or less if they have those multiple births going on. Sometimes if they get divorced they’ll team up with another singleton loser and there could be four double prams a couple. I’m not having a sprog until I’m 30 at least.
Monkey and I are on Bacardi Breezers with an aftershock chaser. I’ve already had eight of each. Our sick will be an outrageous colour tomorrow. Anyway, Amsterdam could be really fun. I can’t really afford it. I need to get my computer defragged since Poppy went on it and I owe council tax, credit cards and a couple of catalogues but what the hell, you only live once, right?
Mad Gazza - Time Traveller
May 31, 2008
Saturday Afternoon. London Area
Way Ay. Champion like. Feel a lot better in me head now. The doctor’s took away me owls like. Now I’m much better. Goin’ out with Michelle Marsh for a bevvy tonight. Probably take her up Romford Dog Track for a good time. She’s a classy bird like. Seen her in the papers. Or did I dream it? I had her number on me phone but I lost me phone when I lost me pants at the railway station yesterday. I was shouting at a bus like. An’ then it all went a bit blurry. Still, the doctors gave me some nice pink pills and I feel fine now. The doc told me not to drink on ‘em but to be honest beer’s not a real drink. Not like gin like, or lawnmower diesel. Beer’s ok. It’s like an appetizer before you get real drunk like. So I’m gonna have a few jars an’ see if I can find that fit bird.
Mad Gazza. Time Traveller 4
May 30, 2008
Friday. King’s Cross Station, London.
God. I’m a bit woozy. Not really sure what’s goin’ on at the moment. Better lay down for a bit. I think I’m gonna be sick over me’sen again like. Roll on the weekend. I’m gonna go out for a drink with that Michelle Marsh outta Nuts Magazine.
Friday
May 30, 2008
Another day. That and another hangover.
My bloody sister has messed me living room up again. No, seriously. I love her of course but she just comes and does. My computer now has more virus’s than you could ever dream about. My fridge has defrosted. The bloke downstairs hates me because Poppy plays her tunes so loud it disturbs the dead. And it’s my bloody flat.
Just wait til I can get to have a word with her. But what do you say? What can you say… she’s my sister. I’ve always looked after her. That’s what a big sister is supposed to do isn’t it? I don’t know. Of course it is.
Got a chance to go on a weekend trip to Amsterdam. There’s some great ferry offers from Hull and Monkey is well up for it. It’ll only cost about twenty five quid each if four of us go. Gonna talk to her after work on Saturday night.
Guess what? We’re off to Loop again. Ya di ya. Boring…
Lapdancing in Bridlington
May 29, 2008
The newest top class establishment to hit Bridlington opens it’s doors this week. We’re not sure how many punters it’ll attract or how much they’ll be able to spend but we wish it well.
We’re also not sure if it’s the brainchild of our own new contributor Danny Smart (dot com billionairre). But if it is, watch out, he’ll have your eyes out. See his page to find out why. Click HERE to read his latest entry.
What we are sure of is that Mad Gazza is bound to be in there when he isn’t checked in at the Priory.
Knife Crime Advert Campaign
May 29, 2008
So, the Home Office has launched it’s ‘Hard Hitting’ campaign in a vain attempt to tackle knife crime.
What a fucking waste of time. More of the tax payers millions spent on a completely pointless waste of paper and TV airtime.
The Penguin says - Bring back public floggings. Humiliate these little bastards by caning their arses in public and marching them naked through the streets while a chanting crowd throw rotten tomatoes at them. This writer volunteers to administer the first public beating.
That’d work on the snidey little fuckers. Have your say below. Click on ‘Leave a Comment’. No need to register or any of that bollocks. Just type and submit.
Bridlington Penguin Full Launch Night
May 29, 2008
The Bridlington Penguin Launch Night in Old Town, Bridlington.
SAT. AUG. 23rd - BANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND
at The Queens Hotel, Old Town, Bridlington.
The Bridlington Penguin Presents
Horror Illusionist Extraordinaire
The Reverand Tristan
Plus full supporting cast, including the all talking and dancing Bridlington Penguin Players.
Reverand Tristan Reviews
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"Gross but negligent" - Time Out, London
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"Never seen anything like him. He breaks the mould. He shouldn't be allowed to do what he does. Dont take the children" - M. Master. Magic and Mayhem.
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"Amazing, Truly Amazing" Hampshire Chronicle.
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"Way Ay Man, The coont can fly!" Mad Gazza. The Priory.
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"Very very intelligent magic" - Evening Standard.
An event not to be missed. 8pm, The Queens Hotel, Old Town, Bridlington. August 23rd 2008
Mad Gazza - Time Traveller 7
May 29, 2008
Thursday, 6am.
I’m not well. Me room’s full of Owls. Completely full of ‘em. If there were only a few I could understand it, but there’s bloody hundreds. I’m goin’ back to bed. This isn’t right at all like.
Thursday 8am. Bridlington Owl Sanctuary.
Well Ay. That’s canny mad how I got here. It’s a long story like.
You see, it all started with an owl. I was oot trying to catch one see. I love owls. I went to the pet shop and bought some mice and some worms just in case. Not quite sure what owl bait is see. Anyway, I got messen’ a tent and a camping stove and me fishin’ tackle and a load of ham butties. Cos’ I would be up owl hunting all night like an’ I likes me scram. An’ I took a couple a cases of Stella to keep me awake like. An’ I set off for Dalby Forest to catch me some owls.
Got on the wrong bus like to start with an’ ended up at Hornsea Market. Bloody funny place that. Full of weirdos man, no mistake. Anyhow, after three pints and a fight with a life size clown I got messen’ a taxi to Dalby woods an’ I set up camp by the lake. Set fire to a park bench by mistake. Could happen to anyone. Threw it in the lake to put it out. Trouble was me scram an’ me fishin’ tackle were on it at the time so I had to dive in after me butties an’ me rod. Well, there I was naked with broken tackle and wet butties. Could happen to anyone. I’m not mad, me.
So anyway, I put me wet clothes onto me camping stove to dry ‘em oot an’ had a few beers in me tent while I waited for owls.
Next thing I knows - me tent’s on fire. So I threw it into the lake to put it out. So there I am, with me mice an’ me worms, naked, drunk, with burning clothes in Dalby Forest. I’m not mad, me.
I remember running about a bit shouting. Then, next think I wake up in this cage surrounded by owls. A bit like in that Donnie Darko fil’m about rabbits. We got alot in common me an’ that bloke. Not the rabbit, mind, the gay bloke out of that Broken Backed Mountains thing with that dead joker out of Batman in it. He was in Jarhead as well that Darko bloke but he wern’t gay gay then. He was in a war like. Anyway, he woke up in a cage cos he was a bit mad or a time traveller or summit. I’m a time traveller sometimes. I’m always losing hours, sometimes days at a time, but I aint never shagged that Drew Barrymore. Come to think of it I don’t think that Donnie Darko has either. We got loads in common, see?
Anyway, I gotta go. There’s loads of doctors I’ve gotta see. Not mad mind, I’m a cheeky little monkey me. See?
Mad Gazza Says
May 28, 2008
Bought that ‘This is an Emergency’ by them Pigeon Detectives. Sounds canny like the Sugarbabes
I use that Lynx chocolate. Put it on me balls.
Business Reviews
BUSINESS REVIEW. This Week Bridlington Old Town Pubs.THE QUEENS HOTEL High Street Old Town Bridlington. Reviewed by MAD GAZZA and his OWLS Way ay, I landed a canny job here like. The Bridlington Penguin has asked me,... Read more »
Bridlingtons Cartoon Network
