June 30th 2008
June 29, 2008
The computer cost £75 to mend. poppy is so dead.
TWISS June 29th 2008
June 29, 2008
Oh Christ my computer is fucked. I`ve had to call a bloke who put an ad in the Free Press to come and mend it. I`ll kill that little sister of mine. Mother knows. Poppy is grounded for a month. She had a major fit, I don`t think poppy knew how dangerous what she was going to do was. You can`t go around drugging and beating up pedophiles if you`re only 13. wait until you`re at least 15 young lady lol. She has had her pocket money stopped and I know she has started smoking so it`ll be me giving her money for fags. I cant rant at her to stop. I was smoking when I was 12. less than a week til amsterdam cant wait
Spam, Spam, Amsterdam
June 26, 2008
How yer diddlin
My stupid Sister Poppy is in all sorts of shit with mum. It appears she was up to something. I knew she was. It seems watching that awful Ellen Page film HARD CANDY had more of an effect on her that I had at first thought.
It appears her Hannah and Boosh have been using Hannahs mums credit card to try and buy some drugs to knock a Pedophile out that they were planning to catch .It all went tits up. As in most of the things she does. I think Hannahs mum lost a lot of money but is trying to get it back via the credit card insurance. She is such a twat, that`s why my bloody computer is playing up. I am still getting over 50 spam E mails a day from Nigerian companies’ I have banned her from touching it now. I have changed my password and I take the mouse with me when I go to work. Anyhoo I think I`ve enough money to go to Amsterdam, Monkey has borrowed three hundred quid off her credit card so I can bum off her if I need too. We`re only going for three days,but we aim to get completely fucked up. I can`t wait. I`m staying in this week to save money. Well I might just buy a bottle of vodka and drink it at home. Got Tescos tonight from six til ten. great. I hate working at night in the summer. I should be out on the beach round a bonfire getting wrecked with Monkey and the Flamborough Massive. hey ho. Roll on Amsterdam
Menopause
June 23, 2008
I think I’m going through the menopause. No, really. My bloody hormones have gone all middle-aged crazy. I’ve never been the most highly sexed creature on the planet. It probably wouldn’t matter if I was, I wouldn’t get any, not the way I look, but - currently I am getting hot flushes and as horny as a little monkey on HRT.
What can I do? I have to go into town every day for advertising, to poster for The Queens and to publicise the Penguin and the gigs and events I’m promoting. But what with it being summer, and we’re by the seaside, the town is filled with beautiful semi-clad females and it is doing my tiny primate brain in.
I have invested in a pair of blinkers, like what horses wear to stop my eyes wandering but it’s not working. I need bromide, the drug they gave to soldiers in the world wars to stop them thinking about sex all the time. Or maybe I need to be neutered. Help is definitely needed. I can’t keep up with the constant masturbating.
I am really losing my eyesight and the feeling in my right arm.
I am going to see the doctor. I will tell you what happens.
JFB.
Ellen Page - An Update
June 23, 2008
The Tracey Fragments Publicity Tour
I am still evading the Nova Scotia Police Department away division who are currently guarding tiny Canadian actress Ellen Page. (Mouth to Mouth, Hard Candy, Juno).
I am finding out where her European press junkets are for her new film ‘The Tracey Fragments’, and hitch hiking there just to spy on her. It’s not weird. It’s not obsession. It’s not even a clinical illness and it’s definitely not stalking. I just want to fuck her.
It’s normal, surely. She just hasn’t noticed me yet. Lucy Pinder knows I exist and has changed her diary and doorlocks accordingly. Even Tara Reid is running shy.
Look you daft cows… you want fans don’t you? I’m just one of those. Albeit one who usually gets thrown out of WH Smiths for masturbating over your magazine pictures. Ok, so I admit that could be construed as a bit hardcore, but who does it hurt really? Oh yeah, I suppose anybody else that might be in the newsagents at the time, but hey, I thought it was a free country.
When I was in Holland spying on Ellen Page the shop owner positively encouraged it. It’s just horses for courses surely. I’m currently in a pharmacy in Paris getting some more lubricant, then it’s off to the Ellen Page Press Conference.
Youy might see me on the tele soon.
JFB.
Mormons
June 20, 2008
Mormons plead to be let out of my flat - True!
Yeah, I let the Mormons in. I saved them the previous week from being bricked by a group of local chav 12 year olds and now they have befriended me.
Jesus Christ doesn’t come into it. Self preservation did.
Anyway, they called around on an afternoon I wasn’t working and I decided to play with their warped little minds. After four hours of my mad diatribe and questions they couldn’t answer, they were praying that I would unlock my double doors and let them run free.
I even asked them what they did in their free time. They apparently just sit around doing nothing. Oh, Peterson said he occassionally would try to repair his digital camera, or check who his appointments the next day were. Whoever says they are out of touch should take note.
Anyway, strangely wherever I see them in the streets now, they cross the road quickly with their heads down looking at their shiney black Jesus shoes.
Hell wouldn’t have been as bad for them. Bloody do gooders.
DVD Reviews
June 20, 2008
Got a mate around and not having a TV (which he is addicted to) he said lets get a few ‘feel good’ DVDs from the library (free) and watch them after work.
So, tonight I’m going to introduce him to ‘Threads’ and ‘Love Object’, two really fucked up but important films.
Threads is a 1985 British movie written by the brilliant Barry Hines, but it’s not feel good. It is definitely feel bad. It’s the British anti nuclear war film made (amazingly) by the BBC and it’s really hardcore. Open mouthed stuff. Hollywood it is not. Small cute child playing with kitten - evaporated. Old grandmother doing her knitting - evaporated. The aftermath is even more horrifying. It made me cry.
It’s all shot in Sheffield, which still looks like it’s been hit by a holocaust. Desperate Housewives it aint. I don’t think my mate’s going to like it alot, but fuck him. I didn’t want to watch his choices. ‘American Pie - The Gangbang’ or the complete ‘Police Academy’ movie series on 26 DVDs.
Love Object is from the producers of ‘American Psycho’. It’s about obsession - but very weird obsession. A man falls in love with an anatomically accurate silicone sex doll and she comes between him and his girlfriend of the moment. Very, very dangerously weird and that’s coming from me.
Anyway, he will probably want to go to bed early or cut his chav wrists.
Hey Hoo.
Michelle Has Worms. Official.
June 20, 2008
The landlady of The Globe has a toilet infested with stripey worms. (Snakes to you and me). Yup, she went for a number two only yesterday and the slimey critter winked at her before slithering around in the bowl. She nearly shat herself, which was of course the idea in the first place.
After three flushes, stripey snake was washed back around the U bend from whence he came. She hasn’t been to the toilet since.
Old Town idiot , 80 year old brain-dead pisshead Gordon, regular at The Globe shouted to anybody who was interested that he fought snakes in the war. He is a drunk idiot.
‘Mannix’ from Leicester, formed from the debris of Bomb Disneyland and Crazyhead amongst others are to play The Queens Hotel later in the year. They play hard metal and drink alot. Go see their website. Mad Gazza recommends the.
Mad Gazza’s News Roundup
June 20, 2008
Mad Gazza’s News Roundup - June 14th 2008
Way Ay. Been pushin dogs off the cliffs near Flamborough Golf club. I was pissed as a little spaniel. Bloody coastguard, bloody do gooders only go and fish ‘em out the sea. Apparently there have been over thirty incidents like this on the Yorkshire coast this month. Well, I have been quite drunk recently.
Some local Chavettes been biting her mates lips when she was stoned. Made the front page of the Free Press. Aye, they do like a bite up here. And that Lee Evans is appearing at The Spa. He likes to bite peoples lips. Bloke down the pub told me.
Utopia now sells double vodka and Coke for less than two quid. Cheaper than Loop. Much cheaper than The Queens Hotel. Still not as cheap as white cider from the Co-op.
I just heard the Pavillion Bar is now selling four pints of Fosters and a sixteen inch pizza for less than a tenner. Well, a bottle of Tesco value vodka and a meat pie is less than seven quid. So I’ll be off to Tesco if it’s all roight with you.
Country Wisdom
June 14, 2008
Spring will soon be upon us, the shrubbery trees are full to the brim with dead starlings, the pond newts have ravaged the frog spawn and my nesting boxes are overflowing with the rotting carcasus of putrid bluetits. This month Avid Blackbird will be concentrating on our countryside that can kill. All these can be found on Bay - all year round.
AFLATOXIN
If your cattle go blind and mad maybe fungal groundnut meal is to blame. Moo!
ANTU
Dogs are dropping like flies in the village, Edna may be controlling the Bays rat population. But a Terrier drowning in its own body fluids is not a sight to behold. Hold back on those rat pellets Edna. Don’t eat anything brown.
ATROPINE
Vera the auchamist better be careful with her Belladonna, Hepbane and Thorn Apple. Love potions may be all the rage, but you try selling a blind spasming hog at Whiby Pig Sales and see how far you get!
BUTTERCUPS
Lovely to look at or hold beneath a childs chin, but deadly to one and all when crushed to the vesicant oil protoanemonine. Steer clear of those yellow devils Old Blackbird says.
CARBON TETRACHLORIDE
Lactacting ewes, dogs and cats beware. Farmer Giles is out to get you with his sheep dip. Keep Fido on a tight lead.
CASTOR SEED
That Chinese meal could be harbouring Ricin. A very slow, painful death.
CYANIDES
Beware the Cherry Laurel and Linseed. Lung haemorrhage is not to be sniffed at.
D NITRO COMPOUNDS
Most insecticides and herbicides contain considerable toxic DNOC compounds. Eat up those greens.
ERGOT
Deadly Rye fungus. Don’t eat bread. Ever.
HEMLOCK
Known to depress cows.
KALE
Kills cattle, full stop.
LABURNHAM
Rarely fatal but don’t take any chances. Don’t go on the Moors and shower frequently if you do. This includes dogs as well as tourists.
METALDEHYDE
Slug pellets should never, ever, ever be handled. Can induce a coma in a Whippet in twenty minutes. Not even Bob the Nutter can beat that.
ORGANOCHLORINE
An insecticide found in milk. Blows your lungs apart. Very,very brutal. Drink Soya.
OVALATE
If you touch Dock leaf, Rhubarb leaf or Beet and Marigold tops wash your hands thoroughly or you’ll be dead within hours. No cure.
RAGWORT
Probably the most dangerous poisonous plant in Britain. Found in hay. There is no treatment. Bunches can be found in Harry Pearsons field on Bay Top.
SALICYLATES
Aspirin is one of the fastest known ways to kill a cat. Not really a poison found so much in the countryside as in the medicine cabinet. But I thought you’d like to know anyway.
TOAD
The common Toad (Bufo Vulgaris) secretes a venom which can kill pets in a matter of hours. Bastards.
UREA
Fertiliser. Unlikely to kill sheep and cattle as they rapidly acquire a tolerance. But deadly to tourists not used to it. Can be purchased as a food supplement at the post office. 10g should lay waste to a busload of schoolchildren.
YEW
The most poisonous tree in Yorkshire. Symptoms include muscular tremors and sudden collapse. No antidote to toxine. Don’t bloody go near this tree. Ever.
Dont let me put you off the countryside. Just don’t touch anything or look at anything a bit strangely.
Happy Hunting, Wild Blackbird.
Business Reviews
BUSINESS REVIEW. This Week Bridlington Old Town Pubs.THE QUEENS HOTEL High Street Old Town Bridlington. Reviewed by MAD GAZZA and his OWLS Way ay, I landed a canny job here like. The Bridlington Penguin has asked me,... Read more »
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