More Tuesday
September 30, 2008
The Rock-iT bar booking policy
I have decided that every saturday night HAS to be an event next year. NO fuckin Fillers.
Friday night we will have smaller local bands Thursday and Sundays I have not decided yet but comedians are a maybe. lots of the blokes in the pub, including I may add Ben wants strippers. but I am against it obviously. I will have a fight on my hands but I really don’t want this Club putting on strippers so a few twats can leer and jeer at some more female trying to earn a crust by getting her baps out. Nah we mustn’t have strippers.
The stupid boys that drink here, most of which are married or have partners don’t want to pay to see a stripper either. Oh no it should be free apparently. I think they should all fuck off to that lap dancing bar in town. Bloody strippers… This is a rock bar.
10.00am
September 30, 2008
Just taking a break to eat leftover cold garlic bread and stale pizza from last night. I wish Kirkham would pay me properly I wouldn`t keep having to sell my body to medical science just to pay the rent. I am covered in gloop. it is horrid. I got a big splodge in my eye and was blind for ten minutes, Kirkham doesn’t care. He`s upstairs in the bath playing with his submarine. I’ll do all the work, don’t worry about your underfed under paid prank monkey who has fallen off the step laddrers twice this morning trying to paper the ceiling.
Hopefully there will be some other helpers later we have to get the backdrops done
8.00am
September 30, 2008
I have been up since 3am. Didn’t finish til 11pm last night but I cant sleep. I will have to do some planning for the venue. This afternoon I will start booking in earnest. Got 100s of bands to contact. contracts to negotiate people to shout at. Also got to wallpaper a fuck off ceiling with band memorabilia and posters. Paste drips into your eyes and hair. I even ate some yesterday. It was yummy. Got a secure stage box and later we will cut and eyelet the backdrops and put them in place. I suppose I had better make a sign. I know how its going to look. and where its going to go. God there`s loads to do but its exciting. It feels like the old days of HYPE and THE TIMEBOX and any other of my dozen or so London Clubs. Did I tell you I won loads of awards ?? yeah I know I did. well don`t forget it because Jon fat Beast promoter to the Queens is back. No more eating Carmen posters for me. Kirkham has just called at last, its 7am. What the fuck does he do with his life. Sleep ? weirdo. anyway he has found my channel 4 series BEAST ON THE BOX on u tube or something. God that was 15 years ago when I was dead famous. Now I`m just dead. Better dash. more paste to eat. More later.
The Beat Goes On…
September 29, 2008
My God did we get some work done today.
The Rock-iT bar at the queens is taking shape. Fuck is it taking shape. In one day I have never seen one space transformed like I have seen today. Big up to Davey Greenday, Coz and Sparky from Glamgodz/Gay Kommando and obviously the vacant Human vessel that is Ben Kirkham Enterprises.
I was up at 5am ready to start the transformation of the Queens shitty cupboard of a back room into the most awesome music venue the world has ever seen. Kirkham got out of bed about seven with a hangover. The BT interweb Technician was here repairing the broken hub that accidently fell apart on friday. Which Ben obviously knows nothing about. and Davey, Ben and I were in town by 9am having breakfast and a pint at Witherspoons. which was nice. we bought about a mile of black cloth from a bunch of idiots at Boyes, then everything else from B&Q including Black paint “We don’t sell black paint.” “What do you mean you don’t sell black paint ?”, “we just don’t sell it, nobody wants it”, “We want it.”. Huge pause. “I`ll get the manager” Longer pause. manager arrives, “We don’t sell black paint ” ” Why not ?”, “Because nobody wants black paint”, this conversation could have gone on until Christmas until I put my oar in, “CAN YOU FUCKIN` MIX US SOME BLACK PAINT YOU FUCKIN` MORON ?” pause for effect. “Yes sir no problem”. So eventually we got some bastard Black paint even though fucking B&Q don’t sell it. They luckily sold brushes and rollers so we also bought some of those. Sorry to go on but i really hate B&Q. We got back to the venue and Sparky Rocks and Coz from Go Kommando turned up to sell us some lights they found in a ditch and drink all our beer without paying for it. Actually they were very good for a couple of ingrates, Fixing the lights up and bodging the electrics. We papered the hall with press cuttings and posters, painted everything that didn’t move, black. drank our own weight in Gaymers Cider and fell over knackered at 10pm. There is still loads to do but my god did we get lots done today. Another beer. Ben is buying us all Pizza and we will be back at 9am in the morning to continue in our renovation.
Post script. I also booked two solo guitarists and a band. I had a good day. Kirkham you owe me.
Monday Up at 5am To start on THE ROCK-IT BAR
September 29, 2008
Yes the dog was walked by six am. I was showered and abluted , which I am aware isn`t a real word but I don`t care this morning. Ben Kirham calls at 7am all excited. We don`t open the pub til 2pm so we gotta work when its shut. We need to buy Paint, Wallpaper paste, pens, Brushes and some very strong coffee. I know I`ll end up doing all the work whilst Ben busies himself doing imaginary tasks in the cellar or upstairs or in the bath.
I am going to do a huge Collage which will circle the walls of the venue. I have boxes of cuttings and rare NMEs which I shall paste lovingly to the wall. Hopefully Captain Kirkham of the Enterprise allowance scheme will just leave me alone to do what I want, rather than helping and fucking it up.
He’s actually quite a good artist in his own spastic way, but we have an unsaid agreement not to interfere in each others art projects. I actually won an award for one of my collages and into the bargain pissed a member of the Royal Family off. Good going eh. I was at College in Fareham and I was given the task of livening up the walls in the Art department Corridors so I did this fuck off punk collage with subliminal rude words in it. Princess Anne opened the block, and was photographed next to a piece of my artwork with the phrase “So what it stinks” with the S H I and T highlighted. I did a swear in front of a Royal and got it in the paper.
Anyway off into town to buy some glue. more later
BEAST SMASHES UP QUEENS HOTEL
September 28, 2008
yup. I haven`t done it yet, but early monday morning there will be the sound of breaking glass (I love the sound..) and splintering wood as I set about The Queens Hotel back room armed only with a spade and a large Hammer. Everything must go. We are building a venue from scratch. Windows and doors and supporting doors will be leveled. I am buying 50 litres of matt Black paint. I see a Jackdaw and I want to paint it black. We are soundproofing the walls and window frames, draping the stage, buying a huge fuck off light rig and papering the walls that aren`t black with Music paper cuttings. Davey Greenday is doing some joinery, the electrics will have to be attended to, not by Ben I may add, he can be foreman, I don`t care what title he wants to call himself as long as he stays the fuck out of my face while I`m working. and within a few weeks we will have the best purpose built small venue in the world. We aim to promote events maybe 4 nights a week, so I need new acts get in touch.
Party at The Atlantis Hotel
September 28, 2008
Decided to get away for a bit. Me accountant makes sure I spend most of the year out of Britain so I don`t pay Gordon Brown any tax. Clever eh. Most of me company’s are registered off shore and me bank accounts are tucked away in Switzerland and Jersey. I aint stupid The treasury aint gettin a bean off me. Danny Dot Com aint no freakin` charity. Got my Lear jet to drop me in Dubai, got a party to go to. Sheik something or other invited me cos I made it clear in the press how much I hated that Arab who bought Man City out. He`s from neighboring Abu Dhabi. They freakin hate each other. I just go where the money is, and a week long stay at this new Atlantis Hotel off the Dubai coast is right up my street. Got a big opening party for all us VIPs at the weekend, Got yer Beckhams, yer Schumachers, yer Bernie Eccleston, James Blunt they`re all coming. Might do some serious networking. I can smell an opportunity a freakin mile off.
Me seven star room has six bathrooms. eight King size beds, twelve mini bars, the curtains are Gold Plated and the freakin Corby Trouser press is diamond encrusted. Gonna get me Hot tub filled with Moet and invite a load of them F1 bunnies and The Pussycat Dolls up for a shag. The View`s top, its 400 foot up on this freakin Man made island I can see for miles. Only sea mind but its still a view. They got freakin Dolphins in the foyer fountain. Fifty of em doin` tricks an jumpin` through hoops, the lot.
Goin` for a cocktail with that Jack Osbourne, don`t know much about him really but apparently his mums minted and his dads a pop star. Gotta be worth swapping numbers with.
Anyway, tell you about it next time.
MAD GAZZA’s TOP TIPS
September 28, 2008
Instead of wasting money on shoe polish, just wear dorty shoes.
When Washing dyed or Bleached Hair take two bottles into the shower. One shampoo. The other, Vodka
If you drop yer mobile inter the lavvy yer an idiot. I know Sheyrl told me
Collect any fat in your grill pan from cookin burgers and sausages and spread it on bread to make a delicious after poob snack all the family can enjoy. If they`re pissed that is.
If yer meet that Carol Vorderman in a lift, like, divna keep goin on abowt that Dead Richard Whitely, she divna like it see.
Walkin round toon with a bag o Turkey Twizzlers doon yer keks lowers yer sperm carnt.
Dinna drive a dooble decker bus when yer pissed like
Gazza predicts
September 28, 2008
Ar Hower man wot ya deein to me Toon Army Mike Ashley ? Gazza predicts you sell Newcastle United to a South African Warlord then die in a helicopter crash, like that Mathew Harding did.
Gazza predicts Sunderland burn in hell. Filthy dorty maccums
Yer kna wot ? That Charlotte Church is a man. Straight oop. Timmy five jellies told me. she divn`t sweat much forra fat lass with a bairn though. Stood next to her once at Cardiff Arms park while she was havin` a piss. Standin` oop.
GAZZA REVIEWS “The GlamGodZ” Queens Hotel 27th sept 2008
September 28, 2008
Ar Hower man. Fookin` Hot in here. Sheryls gone to Bingo up toon an left me in the company o Ben the Landlord. Yer kna wot ? He`s me greatest fan he is. He thinks I`m ace. Offered me a room here to live in for ever. Fancy that Mad Gazza livin` above a poob. Had away an shite. Fookin` champion. He`s let me have Room 2 an its got a canny little shower and a lavvy. an its now got sick on the bedspread. Yer kna wot, I did that. Tonight it`s some seventies band, it might be T Rex for all I know. They look like a bunch of fookin sweaty jessies. I canna see properly see, the rooms packed with owls.
fook I`m pissed as a little monkey. Its so Hot me owly mates are sweatin buckets. they divnt like the heat man. That`s why you never see an owl in a greenhouse. or Australia.
This bands got a lead singer who looks canny like a weasel with a mop on his head, an a sock stuffed doon his lycra pants. He`s probably one of them hermersex. yer canna tell nowadays, when I was in Thailand with Teddy Sherringham and Peter Beardsley we all got sucked off by one of them ladyboys. Don`t say nart to Cheyrl she`ll kill me. anyway, reckon this ladyboy was a hermasex.
Fook. I just went for a wazz an when I cum back the band have only gone and fooked off for a bit. Might have a go on the drums.
am so drunk I fell over the Lights and one of them big speakers hoyed itself into the keyboards. fooked the band reet off I can tell yer. The fat drummer punched me in the mooth. Ben stepped in and It all kicked off.
I just hid in me bedroom. I can`t help thinkin` I might be a bit too blame. Better lay low for a bit. Don`t think they`ll be doin a second set. Think the bass players lost an eye an the bald piano player`s got a microphone stand poking out of his head. don`t reckon Landlord Ben will be reet happy. ar hower man I was only havin` a laff. Its the geordie sense of Humour see.
Business Reviews
BUSINESS REVIEW. This Week Bridlington Old Town Pubs.THE QUEENS HOTEL High Street Old Town Bridlington. Reviewed by MAD GAZZA and his OWLS Way ay, I landed a canny job here like. The Bridlington Penguin has asked me,... Read more »
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