Rude and Funny Please.
October 29, 2008
Well The Bridlington Penguin is certainly causing ripples up here in sunny Bridlington by the sea. The Free Press hate me, the Tv Licencing Hate me, The Pack Horse, old Town Hate me. Its bloody great .Anyhow, how do you fancy being hated Globally just like me ? well We here at The brid Pen can make it happen. For the first time in our history we are looking for Contributors for the site. The only criteria is that you have to be really rude and or funny. Get seen by tens of thousands of other idiots. Send me an E mail at jon.beast@hotmail.co.uk or via the Bridlington penguin and who knows what might happen ? world peace.? World Domination ? or nothing. Keep reading, later today a Local news update full of hatred and bile.
Stupid Fucking Bridlington Free Press
October 28, 2008
I had a great weekend. in Bridlington we had a huge influx of scooter boys and girls at the Spa and associated venues on the Promenade We here in old town Bridlington played the game but wouldn`t Pay into it this year. Ben, my curious landlord/Boss cleverly didn`t pay loads of money for bands this weekend because we know most of our local custom goes into Yo15, thats Brid central, and there is no reason for us to compete on the same level. So we tried other things. We had a big fat quiz on the friday, which brought all the local bands and our locals together. we had a great time.and Ben had a smile on his face it seemed to work. weekend was fine. its monday today and My life started totally brilliant. Got up at Seven. Took dog so he could piss all over the priory gravestones. Bad, but hey they`re dead. but then as always Monday turned into a disaster area. And believe me this time it wasn’t my fault - no really. The bloody FREE PRESS (our local shit rag) rang up because they couldn’t find the details for our adverts we had paid for in next weeks copy. Ho hum. Not again. Yes again. Let me count to ten 1. 2. 3. 4. YOU CUNTS…. sorry didn`t even make five.
FREE PRESS what the fuck are you doing. I have worked with Parish Magazines run by drunken old Vicars that are more in touch than you. You mother fucking ingrates. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. every week I have to come and tell you, or actually, write down for you, the same information I gave you a few days earlier that you have LOST yet again. What am i supposed to think ? again and again your advertising department let me down. yet again I am there to repair it. You fuck up an advert up it costs us Big Money you stupid Cunts. get it right.
ROCK-iT unofficial all Hallows eve all Fancy Dress Ball
October 21, 2008
Come dressed as your favourite Child Molester or Killer. Freddie Kruger, Ian Huntley, Myra Hindley, Ian Brady, Gary Glitter, Michael Jackson, a Catholic Priest, you get the gist. Bens sick idea, he thinks it will catch on what with all the nonce schoolteachers at Headlands school. Oh I must get a proper job. There is a Ghost walk beforehand and Live entertainment from BIG SWINGING HAIRY GHOULIES playing, “A variety of Halloween inspired shit on the fiddle” Free entry. No real Nonces please. Friday October 31st 8pm
Bloody TV Licence? I haven’t got a bloody TV!
October 21, 2008
It is a criminal offence to use Tv receiving equipment or to watch blah blah blah our records show no licence for this address blah blah as a result, this address was passed on to our enforcement division for investigation. Three letters and five phone calls after I got the first letter six months ago they are still telling me I have an invisible TV. I am fed up with getting in touch with them explaining. There is a piece on here in the Archives section about the first time I wrote back to them. Just give it a rest. I have not got a TV. you jerks
HUGE NEWS FROM BRIDLINGTON not
October 21, 2008
Well there isn`t any obviously. This is Bridlington and its Autumn so we`re shut until April .If you have a story or something that concerns you write to us at the Penguin or leave a comment after any of the news stories. Or you could just Text me on 07974555183 with any lie you like and without any investigation I`ll print and be damned. No censorship here. or you could send it to The Bridlington Free Press and they`ll either a-IGNORE IT, or B-PRINT IT and get all the information wrong, then charge you for the privilege. We don`t take adverts so we can upset who we want. If I want to say, “Tescos are shit and are serving strong cider to under 18s” I can, because its true. If they advertised with us I`d have to turn a blind eye to it and mention their crappy new “Basic” clothing lines. Bin bags for the elderly. stay warm in winter wrap yourself in black plastic. that sort of rubbish. so come on send us some stories and tell your friends.
BREAKING LOCAL SHITE NEWS from local newshound Mc Guff the Crime Dog
October 21, 2008
Levellers and Musicport fail to sell out Bridlington Spa.
At £27.50 a ticket I know why. Its Rolf Harris headlining on saturday I bet that`ll be fuckin` busy. Musicport used to be at Whitby until last year at a 1000 capacity venue, it`s a big jump to sell an extra 2500 tickets, at a 3500 capacity venue in late October with a recession on. Still loads of my mates are off for a party, I shall work here I have a very burnt Pot that Ben made Curry in to wash up. Oh joy of joys .Then there`s the rest of the washing up and the kitchen to sort out. I shall be having a forking ball tonight I can see. I shall be stone cold sober, surrounded by mad northern pissheads trying to find some niche to fit into. Maybe I should have been a sprout.
Headline in Free Press “Crunch not hitting too badly”,
Nope the same number of businesses are going bust this week as they were three months ago. Which is lots. The Prom is devastated now the season is over, “next year will probably be worse”, says the chairman of the hotel association. You don`t fuckin say Einstein. But Roy Simpson who runs our local ferry round the bay, The Yorkshire Belle, says different, “It was the worst summer we`ve ever had”, “The economic Climate and the cost of fuel didn`t help, then we only had about 2 decent weeks of weather. we are very disappointed” The Bayle Museum, outside my flat in old town commented, “We had about the same amount of customers as last year”. Yeah three a day at peak season. But its not ALL bad news, one white goods retailer spoke out, “Those who have money are prepared to spend it” . That`ll be the Bloke who owns the “Titty” bar and the owner of Eden Mobility supplying spastic chariots to the majority of the old fat and lazy Bridlington Residents. (86%) Roll on Armageddon!
MAN DRIVES INTO HIS OWN WALL !
yup. some dodder old cunt collided with his garage wall on sunday night.The car was apparently made “safe” by the fire brigade and there was no structual damage to the building. Its non stop mayhem here in sunny Bridlington I can tell you.
A law firm has gone bust with its head office in Bridlington closing down. Good news at last. Blood sucking bastards.
The fair is back in town next week. Great hundreds of teenage kids drunk out of their tiny minds on cheap white cider swearing and hassling people to give them “A fuckin` quid for the guy”. I actually went to our local shop two weeks ago, at the turn of october and a nine year old shouted at me, “Oy mate, give us 50p for the guy,” he didn`t even have a guy. I think its called mugging.
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YORKSHIRE COAST RADIO
October 21, 2008
Local Radio station YORKSHIRE COAST RADIO reported on a “Filth ridden website purporting to be written by Footballer Paul Gascoigne that regularly pulls the good people of Bridlington down ” on a recent talk show recently. A it isn`t written by him, or purports to be written by him, it is by Mad Gazza a character I made up who gets drunk and sees owls. So I was told it caused quite a hoo ha and even mentioned the name of the site twice. You couldn`t buy that sort of advertising. Thank you Yorkshire Coast Radio. Keep it up. oh and the caller, well it was me obviously you gimps.
Stikky Fingers – Rock-It, Bridlington
October 20, 2008
Bridlington’s only dedicated music venue, Rock-It played host to Stikky Fingers on Saturday 18th October, a Rolling Stones cover band. I’ve heard of The Rolling Stones and I’ve also had sticky fingers before, that smelt of fish, although not for quite a while, but that’s another story. The Rolling Stones might not be everyone’s cup of tea, and you might think their main contribution to popular culture has been to defy medical science, whilst keeping the Class A narcotics trade in business. However, their early material from the 60’s helped set the bench mark for British popular music, and their influence can still be heard today. Arguably, the early years were when they produced their best material, cos let’s face it, nobody really wants to see a bunch of pensioners whose faces obviously need ironing.
Thankfully, Stikky Fingers don’t look like the Stones, but by ‘eck, the lead singer doesn’t half sound like early Mick Jagger, uncannily so. If you’re going to be in a band, then to me, the first requirement is that you can play, and these guys are all excellent musicians. They played two sets to an enthusiastic audience, who were very receptive to some storming versions of some classic Stones tunes, including my personal fave 19th Nervous Breakdown. The band concentrated on the early material, always a good thing in my opinion, as the later stuff lacks the originality and rawness I’d grown up to associate the Stones with. The measure of a good band is if they make playing seem effortless, and Stikky Fingers are effortless. A lead singer spookily sounding like Jagger, whilst playing a cool rhythm guitar, a lead guitarist who churned out flawless riffs and solos, and a rhythm section solid yet understated, not spoiling the overall sound. The Beast managed to get a great balance in the mix, probably cos he’d stayed off the Lambrini, but we don’t want to bull him up. Stikky Fingers, good band. Hopefully I’ll get some before they play here again. Rock-It; superior music venue. Be there, or be doing the shopping for your mum.
Doctor Bollocks
Stuff
October 17, 2008
Its late at ROCK-iT i am gonna finish work soon and feed and walk the dog. I am still in awful pain as I have been all day and papering The venue ceiling. God I wanna lay down. I am too old for this shit. Been on the web, booking train tickets for The Carter USM secret gig in Southampton in November, its fuckin gonna cost the band £135 return, plus Hotel, plus my huge beer rider and food just for me to get me cock out in front of some daft USM fans. Well the world has gone mad. I was going to fly down to Southampton but I would have to change at Glasgow. That`s a different country as far as I remember. Its the same story getting trains to Birmingham and London for the November 21st and 22nd dates. Tickets are gonna cost well over £200. I bet I don`t even get a seat. It might be cheaper hiring a car and learning to drive. A few years ago I wouldn`t have blinked at that sort of money but at £295 for two days travel on our lovely shite filled trains just going a couple of hundred miles, plus another three hundred in hotel bills for two nights, well it all seems a tad excessive. Still its not me paying for it. Still I would like to find a cheaper way. Hitching perhaps.
QUEENS HOTELs new Quiz Night every Friday possible. starting 24th Oct
October 17, 2008
on QUEENS HOTELs new Quiz Night every Friday possible. starting 24th Oct
Way aye that Fat Bastard southern poof Jon Fat Beast is rooning a fookin quiz night oop at Queens in the old toon. Fuck it`ll be shite but am gonna go anyway and try and ruin it for the little obese monkey man. He did one for the whole of fookin Morrisons the big shop wot sells fish, an bike tyres and well just abowt fookin everything. Its a bit like Tescos only much more fookin expensive an yer canna get a pint at three in the fookin morning from Morrisons. anyway, they liked it so now the whole of fookin Bridlington can come and try and win some shite prizes. am gonna nick a pony an ride it to Filey. Haddaway an shite am pissed as an owl.
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BUSINESS REVIEW. This Week Bridlington Old Town Pubs.THE QUEENS HOTEL High Street Old Town Bridlington. Reviewed by MAD GAZZA and his OWLS Way ay, I landed a canny job here like. The Bridlington Penguin has asked me,... Read more »
Bridlingtons Cartoon Network
